A Little Friend of Mine

Sitting alone in my room, I realize that I will no longer be waking up to the greeting of my dog tomorrow morning. Not tomorrow... and never again.

Monday, the 16th of June 2008 - the day I decided to put my own dog to sleep.

How can I describe the emptiness I feel now? Truly, it feels horrible to know that I had the power to choose the death date of my own dog, the death date of a 17 year friend. Feeling that it was the right thing to do to put an end to her suffering from a leg infection (a product of my own negligence), I forced myself to be there when they injected a syringe of green 'elixir' into her right leg. I bet she saw it coming too...

Seeing the life force drain from her eyes was the worst thing to watch! There, I knew that I could do nothing more. I felt like Mother Mary in the Pieta. I forced myself to face death in the eye and learn the value of life, of love, of friendship, of deep loss.

Her Story:
Candy, my dog, appeared one day at my house door barking and running in circles. A stray, she came face to face with my dad and his unwelcoming umbrella. But all this changed when my brother suddenly mentioned that he had a dream - that our family had a new dog. Running out, my mom stopped my dad's hostile threats, and from that day onwards my family had a new member. Though skinny to the bone, infested with ticks and a sprained leg, we embraced every part of her. What was amazing was how we eventually found out that she had visited all our neighbours before she came to us - as if she knew she planned to get off the street for good and find a family. How human she was; and how IGNORANT and EGOISTIC are we to think and continuously justify that we humans are a distinguished aspect of creation! How sick are such thoughts, and the deeds these thoughts encourage!

I always joke with my friends that I have a mixed mongrel at home, a real bitch! An ironically affectionate term I adored Candy with.

Watching her leave my world on that table, I recall the phrase "love creates". Truly, when you really love someone, you invest in their existence and in turn their existence sustains you. You become happy to see that someone happy, and devastated when that someone is suffering without you. When that someone is lost, the living part of you that was created and belong to you both vanishes. It is this very creative characteristic of love that makes parting and death so painful. Candy's death has brought my experience with love to another level. How often do we fail to love people and all their ugliness and fragility; How often do we neglect the bodies we are given to share love through physical touch; And how often do we hurt the spirit that possess the power to love life and treasure every moment of it? How often have our self-pity and sloth prevented us from being who we were meant to be for others?

I will never forget this one special creation, the feeling of her in my arms while traveling to SPCA to parted forever, her ever grateful eyes, her smell, her brown fur and everything that she is. In a being others despise, I have found a friend who taught me the value of love and life. Now eternally lost, never to be replaced, but forever remembered and missed.

Last Day, Last Spot, Last Thoughts - @ UNC

Its been a whole 2 semesters at the University of North Carolina.
And now it is fading into its place as only a memory of mine.
The distance brought me to this field of emerald.
The lonely times, to a night of friends.

Gotta go to the airport...
For yet another journey awaits.

Birthdays - God's Reminder That Life Is Truly Beautiful

Growing old! Turned 23 today... nothing much at all really - just a single soul in the history of humanity. What's so great about it?

Yet, there was a celebration! I recall myself saying (Its amazing what we can say sometimes) that "the moment you need not organize your own birthday celebration, is the moment that you should know you are doing something right in life". I don't quite know what I exactly did right in my life, but somehow I was surrounded by God, family and friends on my birthday!

God: What better day to have a birthday then on the Saturday before Easter, when I'm reminded of the reality of life, death and the love my God has for me. May I have the strength to die to myself and to live for Him.

Family: Being so far away from Singapore really started taking its toll. But who would have guessed that my parents were there waiting for me on Skype? May I never forget how blessed I am for a beautiful family and childhood, and strive to share that gift with whom I'm called to meet everyday.

Friends: Who would have guessed? I got many special deliveries from all over the world. Thanks BFF for the custom made bag. Thanks eating buddy for the "natural" gift. Thanks UNC peeps for the "diamonds". Thanks Singapore peeps for the best wishes. And thanks to meishi... for... this:



If love is in the details, then everything that came together today was a testament to the love I'm blessed with; and no matter what we feel, the world has lots of love and good! May my every action and thought contribute to this world bank of blessings, instead of soiling it with careless self-pity when challenges arise.

Ever grateful
23 yr old lil'boy

Loose Screws in a Ferrari

Yesterday, I went to church for my routine Sunday evening mass and something that the priest mentioned struck a chord in me. He mentioned that we all were created beautiful and almost flawless like a brand new Ferrari. But there was something that was wrong.. nothing much... just a small something. This little flaw in each of us is like a problem in the steering wheel - it tends to turn slightly off course if left alone. And life is like driving in this Ferrari of ours. It is going to be a beautiful drive, as long as we keep our hands constantly on the steering wheel.

My mom once shared with me what she had learn. She shared that a priest once explained that what Christians term 'original sin' really has an effect much like this: Imagine you have a perfectly smooth cylinder and you roll it down an inclined board. The cylinder will roll straight towards the ground. However, if you have a cone shaped vase and you roll it down that same board, it is going to head towards the ground because of gravity, but it is also going to swerve to the side. In many way, we all have a longing to understand and seek out a mysterious being - some people call God - but 'original sin' is an inbuilt weakness/imperfection that leads us off track. We don't have to worry that much because that 'gravity' towards the truth will always pull us towards the same place eventually. But every now and then, we need to pull ourselves back on track, only to sway again. Eventually we will find what we are looking for, each taking his/her own path of swerves and correction, but eventually we will find what we all are inertly called to find.

So as a Christian, I fully accept the idea of original sin as a weakness in humanity. But what I do not understand yet is why do Christians say Baptism has washed us of our original sin? Has it? If so, why do we still falter and sway?

Life now for me is taking a toll. Full of distractions from work. Just need to find some quiet time to pick myself back up again and, in trust, live.